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Spring 2008 Self Psychology News
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PANEL 4:
Existential Views on Loss

Sally Howard

The last conference panel presented the work of two great thinkers associated with the self psychology community, Malcom Slavin and Robert Stolorow. As the titles of their papers suggested, "The Contextuality and Existentiality of Emotional Trauma" (Stolorow) and "Broadening the Context of Human Intersubjectivity: Making Meaning and Navigating Relational Conflict in Evolutionary, Biological and Clinical Perspectives" (Slavin), Stolorow and Slavin required intellectually athletic participation by conference attendees.

Bob Stolorow's paper developed two broad themes, the contextuality and existentiality of trauma, and a synthesis between them. At a lower level of abstraction, the paper shared a deeply personal account of the aftermath of devastating loss, and of healing and reintegration following that loss. At a higher level of discourse, the paper revolved around "being-toward-loss", a concept that Stolorow developed based on Heidegger's "Being-toward-death." Stolorow's more inclusive term, "being-toward-loss" means living with the loss of loved ones as a certain, indefinite, and ever present possibility. Confrontation with being-toward-loss paradoxically makes it possible to live a life that is authentically one's own.

Stolorow described three features of the phenomenology of trauma as connected to Heidegger's existential theme: first, the shattering sense of isolation and alienation from others; second, the sense of being exposed to "the inescapable contingency of existence on a universe that is random and unpredictable and in which no safety or continuity of being can be assured"; and third, the collapse of a sense of time, specifically, the sense of being frozen or trapped in the past. Stolorow asserted that these three types of post-traumatic experiences plunges the traumatized person into a form of authentic being-toward-death. Stolorow demonstrated beautifully the way in which philosophical reflection can aid a person toward recovery from trauma. He also disclosed a remarkably personal account of a second path to healing, that of finding a relational home for the experience of trauma. Stolorow concluded his presentation with the case of a patient whose deep and isolating sense of shame, akin to the fundamental aloneness consequential to loss, finds a relational home with her analyst.

Malcom Slavin wove together a different text of existential and psychoanalytic concerns. With a multi-media presentation, Slavin asserted that the adaptations over hundreds of thousands of years that led to a distinct human species, are in fact the setting within which existential issues first emerge as human concerns. This evolutionary-biological heritage is part of our existential situation as a given, a deep structure, that continuously shapes, influences, limits, and facilitates our lives with each other. These adaptations also embed us within relational contexts. As Slavin said it, "We literally become ourselves, become an individual with a distinct identity, through the building of subjective meanings that are heavily shaped—non-verbally and verbally—by interactions with the subjectivities of others with whom we are attached." Slavin calls this the relational paradox. The intersubjective context within which we are constituted as individuals leaves us with substantial otherness that we must recognize and come to terms with if we are to live authentic lives. There is an ever present danger of over-accommodation, and pathological shaping of self in accordance with the needs and expectations of others.

Slavin then applied this existential and relational dilemma to a clinical vignette. From his perspective, all patients have a general need to experience and evaluate the otherness of the analyst, that is to have "the experience of another person grappling with her own established ways of maintaining hope—wrestling with her illusions—in the face of everything inside the analytic relationship and outside it that erodes them, her particular individual capacity to deal with the background of annihilation anxiety that we all face as a function of being human." In other words, the patients need to experience the analyst's position with regard to the fundamental existential dilemma.

The Herculean task of discussing these two papers was given to yet another powerful and agile mind within the Self Psychology community—Peter Schou. His clear and concise outline of each paper, to which this article is indebted, enabled participants to better understand and compare the ideas presented. He made several points of his own worth noting. One was a reference to Kierkegaard's notion of anxiety as a state preceding a leap from one stage of life to another. Anxiety in this sense has a liberating potential, an idea central to both Heidegger and Stolorow. Adding a systems perspective, Schou noted that anxiety can be thought of as a pertubation to the attractor state of everyday immersion. Schou raised the question of the developmental readiness of all patients to engage in existential issues in the manner that Slavin describes as "experiencing and evaluating the otherness of the analyst". How much do patients really want to know about the analyst's struggle with death and ultimate loss? Schou answered the question this way, "Perhaps not so much, after all, or rather, what we want to know is probably specific to our position in the relationship. Perhaps we want to know just enough to allow us the illusion that our analyst is not quite as scared and confused as we are, which in turn would make it safe enough to engage our own fears and uncertainties. And one thing more, perhaps we want to know just enough to believe there is in the analyst something we can learn from as we struggle with these issues, a sense that the analyst has been down a path that can tell us something about where to go. This belief may, of course, ultimately be an illusion on our part and may be too much to hope for. But as Winnicott pointed out, illusions are important, not the least between an analyst and a patient."


Sally Howard, Ph.D., Psy.D. is a psychologist and a supervising and training analyst at the Institute of Contemporary Psychoanalysis in Los Angeles. She has a private practice in West Los Angeles and in South Pasadena.


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